Tips for Large Families by Jody Swarbrick Tips for Large Families Parenting special needs kids -- what works for our family: * Keep a sense of humor * Be flexible * Unconditional love * Patience * Learn to advocate * Be a good listener * Discipline in a constructive way * Join a support group * Learn to defuse angry moments * Practice what you preach Large Families + Large Sibling Groups = The Best Possible Match? Maybe So! To overlook willing, successful families simply because  they are large by social work standard may be denying a sibling group the opportunity to stay together! Despite the growing recognition that it is healthier for brothers and sisters to remain together, social workers charged with the responsibility of placing sibling groups still struggle with the difficult reality of finding families willing to accept several children at one time. It is simply easier to find a family for one child than for a sibling group of six. It is also less costly to search for a family in the immediate area than it is to stretch across state lines or travel cross-country, both of which are often required when looking for a family willing to adopt a sibling group. Social workers who are dedicated to keeping siblings together and who are willing to be flexible about prospective adopters can be successful in finding families for them, however. Large families are often willing to adopt a sibling group of three or four. Still, these same families make some workers uneasy. They worry that the parents may be overburdened and will not be able to give each child enough attention. They wonder whether the household will be too chaotic and at which point the family will be strained beyond its capacity to give quality care. In most cases, these fears are unfounded. Research shows that living in a large family has many benefits. "Large families teach everybody how to work together," explains Lois Cowen, mother of fifteen, ten of whom are adopted. "The older children help the younger ones. The children also learn to share. You never hear, 'This is mine... you can't have it.' I recently bought the children one play toolbox and one set of play dishes. Each child took a tool and a dish and played happily." Parents in large families are less likely to over react to minor problems, most of which they have experienced in the past. Large families also tend to have more structure with set guidelines and consequences that are known to everyone. For many children who have experienced abuse and neglect this will be a welcome change from the chaos they faced in their earlier lives. Children in large families learn to cooperate and share things with people of different personalities and temperaments, helping them to be more  flexible about future changes in their world and preparing them for interaction with the wider community. An agency's determination to keep siblings together must be reflected in its foster and adoption family recruitment messages. When recruitment highlights sibling groups in a positive manner, families willing to adopt them respond. if the families who respond are large families, they must be considered for the obvious parenting strengths they have already shown and are daily demonstrating by the simple fact of their ongoing success. To overlook a willing, successful family simply because it is large by social work standards may be denying a sibling group the opportunity to stay together--and move forward. Excerpted from The Sibling Bond: Importance in Foster Care and Adoptive Placement, available from NAJ Top of Page

Single Parenting Nine, Then Eight Children (No, Make That Nine) It's been almost two years now since a sudden divorce left me the custodial parent of eight children. Two other children were already grown but one of them lived at home another year while attending college. With nine kids at home and just me, life was a blur for awhile. However,  each day was a little better than the last. We've created a whole new life, a new rhythm. Even with the financial adjustment, the kids are doing fine. To my surprise, I've never been happier. The Best and the Worst At first, the toughest thing about adjusting to single parenthood for me was overcoming the fear that I could not go it alone. These fears kept me awake at night: What if I die? What if I can't earn enough money to keep food on the table? What if I can't be a good enough parent? In time, however, I found the confidence I needed, and with prayer, the strength. I even discovered some advantages I had never expected to find. Single parenting can be a lot of fun. I don't have to check  with anyone or compromise. And since the kids themselves help me make tough decisions, they are more likely to abide by them. The extra time spent parenting is not greater than the time savings of no longer being a wife. So I actually have a little more free time for me than I did before. Sometimes, I take a cup of tea and a good book to bed. I call this extra time my "divorce dividend". And to my surprise, the teens and I talk more than we ever did before, often at bedtime. In the classic movie, "The Women," starring Norma Shearer, her character's daughter jumps into bed with her and declares, "The best part of divorce is that I can sleep with my mother again." My  daughter often falls asleep in my bed after a nighttime chat. I cherish these times. The sweetest thing about being a single parent is the unconditional faith the kids have in me to do the job. For instance, my deep-voiced teenaged sons who tower over me in height still bring me stubborn jelly jars to open. If they believe I'm that strong, how can I fail? Adopting as a Single The oldest found her own place one year after the divorce and then there were eight. I turned her room into a sewing nook, but this was not to last. After much consideration, I decided to adopt again, for the final and absolutely last time, but for the first time as a single parent. The experience has been wonderful, more difficult in some ways, and utterly unique. Since my only other girl is about to go away to college leaving me daughterless, I wanted to adopt a little girl. Flexible I could be, as I have experience with a wide range of special needs. This is a rainbow family so race was not a factor. The mid-range of age was preferred and a small sibling group of two was fine. The only area in which I was inflexible was gender. I dreamed of tying ribbons and bows into a little girl's hair. I am a do-it-yourselfer when it comes to adoption. After the local state office updated my homestudy (now called a home assessment), I hit the photolisting books, and located some potential kids. Next, I started faxing a copy of my study to the social workers of the waiting children I'd found. My study went to every part of the country. The social workers I spoke with liked my experience, my support system, and my working-from-the-home status. They weren't crazy about my spousal deficit. Still, I expected this search to take a couple of months, just like my other adoptions. Difficulties Enter reality. In most cases, singles are offered the waiting kids that married couples don't apply for. Understandably, social workers prefer to give their waiting kids a mommy and a daddy whenever possible. But this sets up the strange situation whereby a single parent who, by definition, lacks the built-in help a married couple enjoys, is left to parent the most difficult and challenging children alone. Ironic. There was another difficulty. My initial experience quickly reminded me that little girls are hard to come by, even for childless couples. The overwhelming majority of all adoptive parents prefer girls to boys. In many areas of the nation, there are more than twice as many boys waiting for adoption as there are girls. This statistic has been solid for many years, and is all the more unusual when you consider that biological parents are just the opposite. They tend to prefer sons the first time around. Every girl under the age of 10 with mild to moderate disabilities and relatively stable emotional health that I called on had already received many inquiries, even girls in the update pages. I struck out more than 15 times. Since most of the inquiries on these girls were from couples, I stopped looking at this group of waiting children after the first couple of months. There are far fewer inquiries about teen-age girls, but with several teenage boys already in my home, this was not an option. Several social workers told me about young boys in their offices who hadn't had any inquiries, but I remained intent on a daughter, at first. Next, I tried for a small sibling group of two girls or a group with a brother and sister. Six times over several months, I put in my homestudy and was received enthusiastically. I lost out in each case to a married couple. I would have a much better chance with a larger sibling group as they usually receive many fewer studies, but I did not want to add more than two children to my family. Close, But No Girls There was one sib group I came so close to adopting, I had actually received a copy of the case file on them. Their color photos hung above my computer monitor screen. I was making travel arrangements. Right before the children were to be told about us, a couple came along and that was that. I was genuinely happy that this brother and sister would have two parents, but I really grieved that loss, and wondered if I should try again. It was time to re-think my goals. What did I really want? I slowly came to the conclusion that I wanted a child first, and a daughter, second. I started considering boys. Certainly, a new son would have no shortage of male role models with an involved grandpa and eight older brothers! I love raising boys and I think I'm good at it. A Child in My Own Backyard Two days after I told my own county social worker that I no longer had a gender preference, she told me about a good-looking African-American 5 year old she knew about who lived just one county away. No  one was standing in line for this child. The diagnoses included Global Developmental Delay and asthma. The other workers in the office described this child as one of the most delightful they had ever spent time with. There was no evidence of emotional problems. His name was Geoff. A boy. I'm still surprised how quickly gender became a non-issue. As my dad pointed out, there would be plenty of granddaughters to spoil later on, and plenty of hair ribbons. The more I learned about Geoffrey, the more certain I became that he was the one for me. A Good Match After five week-end visits, he moved in, and the adoption is going great. Interestingly, I was offered an out-of-state boy and girl sib group one week after hearing about Geoffrey and a two sister sib group a few days after that. This is what it the expression "When it rains, it pours," means. I wasn't even tempted to say yes to the little girls. Geoff had captured my heart before I ever met him. Today, the whole family is crazy about him. A Few Ideas           * If you're doing the work of two parents, you deserve twice as many hugs. Fair is fair.           * If you're new to single parenting, smile. You're about to find out about something called the "Earned Income (Tax) Credit". Trust me, you'll like this.           * Strive for order first, cleanliness second. There will be time enough to enjoy a clean house after the kids are grown, at least until the grandkids come along.           * Mother's little helper--two words--Pizza Delivery.           * Listen to other single parents. They understand.           * Forbid washing machine usage on Sunday from noon on. This keeps teens from fighting over the washing machine at the last minute so they'll have something clean to wear on Monday morning. It forces them to plan ahead a little and fight over the washing machine on Saturday night instead.           * In my experience, large family life is much more peaceful when kids over the age of 11 have their own rooms. Mine is a 9 bedroom, 2 bathroom home, but with assigned shower times, it works!            * Buy the biggest refrigerator money can buy. Best stress buster I know next to a live-in masseuse. Big fridge means more available food and fewer trips to the store. Ice and water in the door is a must if you live anywhere that has Summertime.           * Make full use of programs designed to help you raise your adopted children with special needs. If your budget is tight, make sure you have negotiated the full adoption assistance amount your child qualifies for, and that you have made use of extra programs like respite care, child care, and tutoring. Don't forget  non-adoption related programs like free and reduced priced school meals. Many churches maintain an inventory of donated good quality used clothing available free to any community member who needs it. Top of Page

Large Adoptive Families "Room for One More" Unless a large sibling group is adopted at one time, adoptive families with five or more children are built over a period of time, usually over a decade or two after their first adoption. What motivates the adoptive parents in large families? Are they "collectors" of children? Are they saints? Crazy? Parents of many children will answer, "None of the above." Here's why. Large Adoptive Families Since the average American family contains two children, a family with more than three children might be considered a large family. In special needs adoption, a large family has five or more children. There are even a few highly publicized special needs adoptive families who have 25, 30, or more children. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 1994 only 0.6% of all American families had 6 or more children. Many assumptions are made about large adoptive families, the most common being that the parents are either saintly or insane. In reality, every parent has different motivations. Some truly enjoy children, and some enjoyed growing up in large families. Some want to extend their parenting skills to help as many children as they can. And a few married into large families. A few people suggest that parents who adopt many children consider children collectibles, adopt over and over again to avoid intimacy, or have an adoption "addiction." They do not stop to consider that most American children in public schools or day care have a pupil-teacher ratio of 21 or 30 to one, and that no one suggests that one teacher cannot instruct so many children for six hours a day. Large families work by finding creative ways of living, methods of which the average family is not aware. How Do They Do It? How do they do it? There is no single answer to this question. We know many large families, and each is unique. Take chores, for example. In one family with above-average income, a maid and part-time cook do most of the chores. In another household, chores are scheduled and carried out at precise times every day, almost military-style. In a third home, the children clean house on Saturday and do very little the rest of the week. In another, someone is hired to clean house, and parents take turns cooking with the children. What really matters is that each child in a large family is made to feel special. Parents accomplish this by making sure they spend time individually with each child, as well as with the family as a whole. Children spell love t-i-m-e. Parents may take each child out alone on his or her birthday, and write behavior contracts with a parental outing as the prize. Some parents cook dinner each night with a different child or take each child to the grocery store in turn, anything for a little quality time one to one. Adding Children to a Large Family Parents in large adoptive families often grow tired of being judged by other people's limitations instead of by their own: "I don't know how you do it with eight kids. I can't even do a good job with my two!"  Sometimes, they must deal with adoption agencies and judges who reject them outright before making a careful assessment of their abilities to parent additional children. The larger a family grows, the more delicate the balance is between functionality and chaos. In a home with many special needs children, the balance is particularly delicate. A bad match can throw the entire house into conflict as too much time and effort is centered on one new child for too long a period of time. Therefore, the larger a family grows, the more careful the parent or parents should be about the addition of other children. For example, if the children in the household are young, parents should avoid adopting older children with emotional problems who might pick on the little ones. A little research, reflection, and careful consultation with the children themselves and with the social worker can help lead to a positive match. A Special Kind of Normal When it comes to special needs adoption and large families, the undisputed expert among experts is Dr. Barbara Tremitiere who has not only researched this issue and placed many children into large families, she has raised such a family, including 12 adopted children and three children by birth. In her doctoral dissertation, The Large Adoptive Family: A Special Kind of Normal (Union Institute, 1992), Tremitiere encourages parents building a large family to practice "preventive awareness." Preventive awareness is an ongoing objective whereby parents strive to be aware of various factors in their lives such as the                      * complexities of the issues surrounding parenting a large family,           * significance of adding more children,           * crowding studies,           * experience of the child in a large family, limited resources of time, energy, and money,           * realistic contingency plans in case of illness, death, divorce, and other tragedies,           * and parental "burn-out," to name a few. Parents contemplating building a large family and parents who have already done so should seek out some of Tremitiere's writings in adoption periodicals. She is a prolific writer and speaker, and her speeches and articles are a wealth of information for large special needs adoptive families. From Adopting and Advocating for the Special Needs Child, by L. Anne Babb and Rita Laws. Sites to See Large Families is a bulletin board for parents of many children, at ParentsPlace. McCaughey Septuplet Story about large families. Top of Page

Large Adoptive Families "Room for One More" Unless a large sibling group is adopted at one time, adoptive families with five or more children are built over a period of time, usually over a decade or two after their first adoption. What motivates the adoptive parents in large families? Are they "collectors" of children? Are they saints? Crazy? Parents of many children will answer, "None of the above." Here's why. Room for One More The basics of large families, adoptive and otherwise -- how do they do it? Why do they do it? Why Barbara Tremetiere calls living in a large family, "a special kind of normal." Also includes links to other web sites about large families. Single Parenting Many Children An article from Adoptive Families Magazine by Rita Laws. Tips for Large Families Tips from Jody Swarbrick, along with an article about why placing sibling groups with large adoptive families works.

Large Adoptive Families "Room for One More" Unless a large sibling group is adopted at one time, adoptive families with five or more children are built over a period of time, usually over a decade or two after their first adoption. What motivates the adoptive parents in large families? Are they "collectors" of children? Are they saints? Crazy? Parents of many children will answer, "None of the above." Here's why. Large Adoptive Families Since the average American family contains two children, a family with more than three children might be considered a large family. In special needs adoption, a large family has five or more children. There are even a few highly publicized special needs adoptive families who have 25, 30, or more children. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 1994 only 0.6% of all American families had 6 or more children. Many assumptions are made about large adoptive families, the most common being that the parents are either saintly or insane. In reality, every parent has different motivations. Some truly enjoy children, and some enjoyed growing up in large families. Some want to extend their parenting skills to help as many children as they can. And a few married into large families. A few people suggest that parents who adopt many children consider children collectibles, adopt over and over again to avoid intimacy, or have an adoption "addiction." They do not stop to consider that most American children in public schools or day care have a pupil-teacher ratio of 21 or 30 to one, and that no one suggests that one teacher cannot instruct so many children for six hours a day. Large families work by finding creative ways of living, methods of which the average family is not aware. How Do They Do It? How do they do it? There is no single answer to this question. We know many large families, and each is unique. Take chores, for example. In one family with above-average income, a maid and part-time cook do most of the chores. In another household, chores are scheduled and carried out at precise times every day, almost military-style. In a third home, the children clean house on Saturday and do very little the rest of the week. In another, someone is hired to clean house, and parents take turns cooking with the children. What really matters is that each child in a large family is made to feel special. Parents accomplish this by making sure they spend time individually with each child, as well as with the family as a whole. Children spell love t-i-m-e. Parents may take each child out alone on his or her birthday, and write behavior contracts with a parental outing as the prize. Some parents cook dinner each night with a different child or take each child to the grocery store in turn, anything for a little quality time one to one. Adding Children to a Large Family Parents in large adoptive families often grow tired of being judged by other people's limitations instead of by their own: "I don't know how you do it with eight kids. I can't even do a good job with my two!"  Sometimes, they must deal with adoption agencies and judges who reject them outright before making a careful assessment of their abilities to parent additional children. The larger a family grows, the more delicate the balance is between functionality and chaos. In a home with many special needs children, the balance is particularly delicate. A bad match can throw the entire house into conflict as too much time and effort is centered on one new child for too long a period of time. Therefore, the larger a family grows, the more careful the parent or parents should be about the addition of other children. For example, if the children in the household are young, parents should avoid adopting older children with emotional problems who might pick on the little ones. A little research, reflection, and careful consultation with the children themselves and with the social worker can help lead to a positive match. A Special Kind of Normal When it comes to special needs adoption and large families, the undisputed expert among experts is Dr. Barbara Tremitiere who has not only researched this issue and placed many children into large families, she has raised such a family, including 12 adopted children and three children by birth. In her doctoral dissertation, The Large Adoptive Family: A Special Kind of Normal (Union Institute, 1992), Tremitiere encourages parents building a large family to practice "preventive awareness." Preventive awareness is an ongoing objective whereby parents strive to be aware of various factors in their lives such as the                      * complexities of the issues surrounding parenting a large family,           * significance of adding more children,           * crowding studies,           * experience of the child in a large family, limited resources of time, energy, and money,           * realistic contingency plans in case of illness, death, divorce, and other tragedies,           * and parental "burn-out," to name a few. Parents contemplating building a large family and parents who have already done so should seek out some of Tremitiere's writings in adoption periodicals. She is a prolific writer and speaker, and her speeches and articles are a wealth of information for large special needs adoptive families. From Adopting and Advocating for the Special Needs Child, by L. Anne Babb and Rita Laws. Sites to See Large Families is a bulletin board for parents of many children, at ParentsPlace. McCaughey Septuplet Story about large families. Top of Page

Single Parenting Nine, Then Eight Children (No, Make That Nine) It's been almost two years now since a sudden divorce left me the custodial parent of eight children. Two other children were already grown but one of them lived at home another year while attending college. With nine kids at home and just me, life was a blur for awhile. However,  each day was a little better than the last. We've created a whole new life, a new rhythm. Even with the financial adjustment, the kids are doing fine. To my surprise, I've never been happier. The Best and the Worst At first, the toughest thing about adjusting to single parenthood for me was overcoming the fear that I could not go it alone. These fears kept me awake at night: What if I die? What if I can't earn enough money to keep food on the table? What if I can't be a good enough parent? In time, however, I found the confidence I needed, and with prayer, the strength. I even discovered some advantages I had never expected to find. Single parenting can be a lot of fun. I don't have to check  with anyone or compromise. And since the kids themselves help me make tough decisions, they are more likely to abide by them. The extra time spent parenting is not greater than the time savings of no longer being a wife. So I actually have a little more free time for me than I did before. Sometimes, I take a cup of tea and a good book to bed. I call this extra time my "divorce dividend". And to my surprise, the teens and I talk more than we ever did before, often at bedtime. In the classic movie, "The Women," starring Norma Shearer, her character's daughter jumps into bed with her and declares, "The best part of divorce is that I can sleep with my mother again." My  daughter often falls asleep in my bed after a nighttime chat. I cherish these times. The sweetest thing about being a single parent is the unconditional faith the kids have in me to do the job. For instance, my deep-voiced teenaged sons who tower over me in height still bring me stubborn jelly jars to open. If they believe I'm that strong, how can I fail? Adopting as a Single The oldest found her own place one year after the divorce and then there were eight. I turned her room into a sewing nook, but this was not to last. After much consideration, I decided to adopt again, for the final and absolutely last time, but for the first time as a single parent. The experience has been wonderful, more difficult in some ways, and utterly unique. Since my only other girl is about to go away to college leaving me daughterless, I wanted to adopt a little girl. Flexible I could be, as I have experience with a wide range of special needs. This is a rainbow family so race was not a factor. The mid-range of age was preferred and a small sibling group of two was fine. The only area in which I was inflexible was gender. I dreamed of tying ribbons and bows into a little girl's hair. I am a do-it-yourselfer when it comes to adoption. After the local state office updated my homestudy (now called a home assessment), I hit the photolisting books, and located some potential kids. Next, I started faxing a copy of my study to the social workers of the waiting children I'd found. My study went to every part of the country. The social workers I spoke with liked my experience, my support system, and my working-from-the-home status. They weren't crazy about my spousal deficit. Still, I expected this search to take a couple of months, just like my other adoptions. Difficulties Enter reality. In most cases, singles are offered the waiting kids that married couples don't apply for. Understandably, social workers prefer to give their waiting kids a mommy and a daddy whenever possible. But this sets up the strange situation whereby a single parent who, by definition, lacks the built-in help a married couple enjoys, is left to parent the most difficult and challenging children alone. Ironic. There was another difficulty. My initial experience quickly reminded me that little girls are hard to come by, even for childless couples. The overwhelming majority of all adoptive parents prefer girls to boys. In many areas of the nation, there are more than twice as many boys waiting for adoption as there are girls. This statistic has been solid for many years, and is all the more unusual when you consider that biological parents are just the opposite. They tend to prefer sons the first time around. Every girl under the age of 10 with mild to moderate disabilities and relatively stable emotional health that I called on had already received many inquiries, even girls in the update pages. I struck out more than 15 times. Since most of the inquiries on these girls were from couples, I stopped looking at this group of waiting children after the first couple of months. There are far fewer inquiries about teen-age girls, but with several teenage boys already in my home, this was not an option. Several social workers told me about young boys in their offices who hadn't had any inquiries, but I remained intent on a daughter, at first. Next, I tried for a small sibling group of two girls or a group with a brother and sister. Six times over several months, I put in my homestudy and was received enthusiastically. I lost out in each case to a married couple. I would have a much better chance with a larger sibling group as they usually receive many fewer studies, but I did not want to add more than two children to my family. Close, But No Girls There was one sib group I came so close to adopting, I had actually received a copy of the case file on them. Their color photos hung above my computer monitor screen. I was making travel arrangements. Right before the children were to be told about us, a couple came along and that was that. I was genuinely happy that this brother and sister would have two parents, but I really grieved that loss, and wondered if I should try again. It was time to re-think my goals. What did I really want? I slowly came to the conclusion that I wanted a child first, and a daughter, second. I started considering boys. Certainly, a new son would have no shortage of male role models with an involved grandpa and eight older brothers! I love raising boys and I think I'm good at it. A Child in My Own Backyard Two days after I told my own county social worker that I no longer had a gender preference, she told me about a good-looking African-American 5 year old she knew about who lived just one county away. No  one was standing in line for this child. The diagnoses included Global Developmental Delay and asthma. The other workers in the office described this child as one of the most delightful they had ever spent time with. There was no evidence of emotional problems. His name was Geoff. A boy. I'm still surprised how quickly gender became a non-issue. As my dad pointed out, there would be plenty of granddaughters to spoil later on, and plenty of hair ribbons. The more I learned about Geoffrey, the more certain I became that he was the one for me. A Good Match After five week-end visits, he moved in, and the adoption is going great. Interestingly, I was offered an out-of-state boy and girl sib group one week after hearing about Geoffrey and a two sister sib group a few days after that. This is what it the expression "When it rains, it pours," means. I wasn't even tempted to say yes to the little girls. Geoff had captured my heart before I ever met him. Today, the whole family is crazy about him. A Few Ideas           * If you're doing the work of two parents, you deserve twice as many hugs. Fair is fair.           * If you're new to single parenting, smile. You're about to find out about something called the "Earned Income (Tax) Credit". Trust me, you'll like this.           * Strive for order first, cleanliness second. There will be time enough to enjoy a clean house after the kids are grown, at least until the grandkids come along.           * Mother's little helper--two words--Pizza Delivery.           * Listen to other single parents. They understand.           * Forbid washing machine usage on Sunday from noon on. This keeps teens from fighting over the washing machine at the last minute so they'll have something clean to wear on Monday morning. It forces them to plan ahead a little and fight over the washing machine on Saturday night instead.           * In my experience, large family life is much more peaceful when kids over the age of 11 have their own rooms. Mine is a 9 bedroom, 2 bathroom home, but with assigned shower times, it works!            * Buy the biggest refrigerator money can buy. Best stress buster I know next to a live-in masseuse. Big fridge means more available food and fewer trips to the store. Ice and water in the door is a must if you live anywhere that has Summertime.           * Make full use of programs designed to help you raise your adopted children with special needs. If your budget is tight, make sure you have negotiated the full adoption assistance amount your child qualifies for, and that you have made use of extra programs like respite care, child care, and tutoring. Don't forget  non-adoption related programs like free and reduced priced school meals. Many churches maintain an inventory of donated good quality used clothing available free to any community member who needs it. Top of Page

Tips for Large Families by Jody Swarbrick Tips for Large Families Parenting special needs kids -- what works for our family: * Keep a sense of humor * Be flexible * Unconditional love * Patience * Learn to advocate * Be a good listener * Discipline in a constructive way * Join a support group * Learn to defuse angry moments * Practice what you preach Large Families + Large Sibling Groups = The Best Possible Match? Maybe So! To overlook willing, successful families simply because  they are large by social work standard may be denying a sibling group the opportunity to stay together! Despite the growing recognition that it is healthier for brothers and sisters to remain together, social workers charged with the responsibility of placing sibling groups still struggle with the difficult reality of finding families willing to accept several children at one time. It is simply easier to find a family for one child than for a sibling group of six. It is also less costly to search for a family in the immediate area than it is to stretch across state lines or travel cross-country, both of which are often required when looking for a family willing to adopt a sibling group. Social workers who are dedicated to keeping siblings together and who are willing to be flexible about prospective adopters can be successful in finding families for them, however. Large families are often willing to adopt a sibling group of three or four. Still, these same families make some workers uneasy. They worry that the parents may be overburdened and will not be able to give each child enough attention. They wonder whether the household will be too chaotic and at which point the family will be strained beyond its capacity to give quality care. In most cases, these fears are unfounded. Research shows that living in a large family has many benefits. "Large families teach everybody how to work together," explains Lois Cowen, mother of fifteen, ten of whom are adopted. "The older children help the younger ones. The children also learn to share. You never hear, 'This is mine... you can't have it.' I recently bought the children one play toolbox and one set of play dishes. Each child took a tool and a dish and played happily." Parents in large families are less likely to over react to minor problems, most of which they have experienced in the past. Large families also tend to have more structure with set guidelines and consequences that are known to everyone. For many children who have experienced abuse and neglect this will be a welcome change from the chaos they faced in their earlier lives. Children in large families learn to cooperate and share things with people of different personalities and temperaments, helping them to be more  flexible about future changes in their world and preparing them for interaction with the wider community. An agency's determination to keep siblings together must be reflected in its foster and adoption family recruitment messages. When recruitment highlights sibling groups in a positive manner, families willing to adopt them respond. if the families who respond are large families, they must be considered for the obvious parenting strengths they have already shown and are daily demonstrating by the simple fact of their ongoing success. To overlook a willing, successful family simply because it is large by social work standards may be denying a sibling group the opportunity to stay together--and move forward. Excerpted from The Sibling Bond: Importance in Foster Care and Adoptive Placement, available from NAJ Top of Page

Hint When you click on Return, it will bring you back to my Training Page.. but if you click back on your Browser you will go directly to the Adoption~ Post Legal Issue section.