Blessing Your Child's Reunion What Adoptive Parents Should Know Is Search a Sign of Failure? Some adoptive parents receive their adopted adult's search for his or her birth parents as a sort of betrayal. Sometimes this is because professionals have led adoptive parents to believe that, if they told the adoptee from the beginning that she was adopted, and gave her all the background information they had, "there would be no need for a search" (p. 3). Adoptive parents may receive the search as a betrayal by the adoption system, or a sign that they had somehow failed as parents. To the contrary, search is neither a sign of betrayal or failure. Demuth writes that "every adoptee is a searcher," and describes how adoptees exhibit searching behavior even when they are not actively searching for their birth parents. The Adoptee's Search for Identity explains that searching is a normal behavior among adoptees and offers links to search-related resources on the WWW. How Adoptive Parents Can Bless the Reunion Most adoptive parents feel threatened and wary when their adopted children grow up and initiate a search for their birth parents. Other parents who have never adopted don't really understand how adoptive parents feel about the search and reunion process, and adoptive parents may be misunderstood and receive little support during this time. Demuth recommends that adoptive parents get support from an adoption search and support group attended by adoptive parents, adult adoptees, and birth parents so that they can come to understand the experiences and perspectives of other adoption triad members. Demuth also tells adoptive parents to remember the word BLESS when they wonder how they can help their child during the search and reunion process: Blessing. When adoptive parents bless the search and reunion of the adoptee, they are recognizing the adoptee's right to search, endorsing her efforts, and honoring the effort she is undertaking. Blessing is not the same as permission; adult adoptees don't need legal permission to search--but they usually do need and want the support of their adoptive parents. According to Demuth, Every adoptee in the deepest core of his being wants to have the blessing of his adoptive parents. By bestowing your blessing upon your child's desire to search, you acknowledge your child's selfhood and separateness, while demonstrating your faith in the family ties you have established with him. Love. Adoptees need to know that they can count on the love of their adoptive parents no matter what. While other young adults are separating from their parents and establishing themselves in the world, the adoptee is dealing with adoption-specific tasks that are unique to adoptees. He needs to know that "he need not lose one relationship in order to establish another" During the early phase of a search, it's common for adoptees to seem "obsessed" with the search, but adoptive parents should know that this is a phase of the search that will eventually pass. Demuth says that adoptees may seem more self-centered than usual, and may distance themselves from their parents, then draw near, and then distance themselves again. All of this is normal, and throughout the process adoptees need to know that their adoptive parents love them. Tell your child you love him, don't just assume that he realizes how you feel. Empathy. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person's shoes, in this case those of your adopted child. Adoptive parents should try and imagine being adopted; imagine not knowing the people who gave you life, who passed on their talents and looks to you. Imagine what it would be like to search for and approach these people you didn't know; imagine what it would be like to have parents who had raised and loved you, and parents you had never met. Demuth writes an excellent section called "Putting Yourself in Their Shoes" that all adoptive parents should probably read. Adoptees need empathy from their adoptive parents. Space. Some parents become intrusive during the search and reunion process in an effort to show support to their adopted child. Adoptive parents should allow the adoptee the freedom to decide what and when he will share with you about his search. Demuth furthermore explains, If you are wondering whether or not your child knows you maintain an interest in his search, you might say that you are not constantly inquiring because you want to respect his privacy, but you are always interested in hearing anything he might want to share with you. If you find yourself in a place where it is difficult to hear what your child is sharing, you might need to let him know that you need some space yourself, and some time to process your own feelings, and you will let him know when you are able to particiipate in the sharing of his progress once more. Support. There are many ways that adoptive parents can support the adoptee's search: giving her all the adoption papers and information you have, rather than only saying that they are available in the family's safety deposit box, or "on file;" contacting the attorney or agency who handled the adoption; or listening when the adoptee is ready to talk. Most importantly, adoptive parents of adult adoptees should not conduct the search for the adoptee. That's the adoptee's job. Other Things to Consider Other issues Demuth covers in Courageous Blessing include: * What if I know the name of my child's birth mother or birth father? * What should I do if I have information I have withheld from my child because it is potentially harmful or painful? * How should I handle a situation where one of my children wants to search and another doesn't? * What can I tell my children who are not adopted when they are threatened by their sibling's search? * What should I do if my child asks me to meet his birth parents? * What if my child's birth mother rejects him? * How can I help my child if she finds her birth mother already deceased? * What if my child wants to spend holidays with his birth family? * My grandchildren are very young -- am I silly to worry that they will think of the birth parents as their "real grandparents?" * What can I do now that my child has met his birth mother (or birth father) and the relationship seems unhealthy to me? * Will things ever go back to the way they were before the search and reunion? Resources Courageous Blessing, by Carol Demuth. Ordering information is below. The booklet can be ordered from the Aries Center at 1437 Meandering Way, Garland, TX 75040-4213, or those interested can email Lifematters for more information. The 49-page booklet sells for $6.00 plus $1.00 shipping and handling |
Parenting Adult Children Parenting doesn't end the day our children turn 18. Instead, parenting is a lifelong commitment. When adoptees come of age, sometimes the adoptive family deals with challenges they haven't been well prepared for. Links on this page deal with issues such as adoption reunion, long-term care for the severely disabled adult, loving a chaotic adult. Information about adoptee identity, adoption search and reunion, when adoptees or former foster children return to their birth families, and U.S. adoption search statistics In spite of many representations of adoption reunion in the popular media, the dynamics of search and reunion are not well understood in American popular culture. What does the search mean? How can adoptive parents show support when their adopted children search for and reunite with their birth parents? What does it mean to bless the adoptee's efforts? Those adopted children with special needs who are most difficult to parent are the ones with severe emotional and behavioral problems, untreated attachment disorder, and mental illness. What can parents do to cope with problem kids who become problem adults? |
Loving a Chaotic or Mentally Ill Adult When Problem Children Become Problem Adults Those adopted children with special needs who are most difficult to parent are the ones with severe emotional and behavioral problems, untreated attachment disorder, and mental illness. These children comprise a minority of special needs adoptees and, contrary to popular misconceptions of special needs adoption, are no more likely to come from the American foster care system than they are to come from foreign countries. Most children with chronic emotional and behavioral problems were adopted as older kids after several foster care or other out-of-home placements, or have been repeatedly abused. Among internationally adopted children, those most likely to have ongoing emotional and behavioral problems have experienced sorely inadequate, long-term care in a Third World orphanage, have lived in the streets for some time, or have a combination of these risk factors in addition to abuse or chronic pain related to a medical condition. Parents know by the time a child is 12 to 15 when something has gone very wrong and the love of adoptive parents has not succeeded in helping the child. By this age those children who are going to become antisocial adults, or adults who always live on the edge of disaster have had trouble with truancy and grades at school, are rebellious at home, have an undesirable peer group, and have poor communication and relationships with both adoptive parents. Sometimes they run away from home or do not come home at night. Living with Chronic Chaos Many parents, in spite of their best efforts, will not be able to avoid trauma or heartache. We recommend 12-step groups such as Al-Anon, support groups for parents of mentally ill children, and family therapy for such parents. Living with chaotic children can produce a chaotic environment in the household and eventually produce Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder-like symptoms in parents and siblings of difficult kids. After years of living with child-induced chaos, parents find themselves cringing when the phone rings late at night and wondering why a teen is in the bathroom so long (is she cutting herself or using the bathroom?). When a troubled teen becomes an adult, the turning of the calendar's page does not magically instill responsibility. The shoplifting that resulted in a wrist slap for your juvenile son lands him in jail after his 18th birthday. We cannot stress enough that adoptive parents of difficult kids need to establish and maintain strong ties to other adoptive parents who will understand. They also need to establish and maintain credibility with professionals, law enforcement, and educators in their community. Parents should never allow the difficult child to become the center of the family, a vortex that sucks everything in her direction. Married couples and long-term partners should keep their relationship first, presenting a team and a united front and not allowing the teen or adult child to play good parent/bad parent. Parents should also pay close attention to their symptoms of co-dependency and monitor their own mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health as they parent in the trenches. Perhaps the most unhappy of circumstances in the special needs adoptive family are presented by the mentally ill, personality-disordered, addicted, or emotionally disturbed adolescent and adult. Many adoptive parents have little understanding of psychiatric disorders. Parents can begin to understand psychiatric disorders by consulting the DSM-IV, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association, which should be a fundamental part of every special needs adoptive parent's library. The Physician's Desk Reference and a good medical encyclopedia are also recommended. Parents need a good understanding of psychiatric illnesses because childhood disorders can develop into adult disorders. Children diagnosed with conduct disorder or attachment disorder, for example, sometimes later are diagnosed with full-blown personality disorders such as Antisocial Personality Disorder (formerly called "psychopathy" or "sociopathy") or Borderline Personality Disorder. Often individuals with personality disorders also have an addiction. The combination of a personality disorder and an addiction can literally be deadly. Parents of adults diagnosed with multiple disorders will have to act in ways that protect their safety and sanity and those of their at-home children first, and then in ways that might help the diagnosed adult child. Sometimes parents have to wait 20, 30, or 40 years before their chaotic adult child finally recovers. Sometimes parents have to bury a chaotic child who died violently as a result of risk-taking behavior or through suicide or addiction. Sometimes parents visit their adult children in prison or in mental institutions. Sometimes parents watch as their adult children remain chronically unemployed, marry abusive, addicted, or disordered spouses, or have their own children removed by child protective services. None of these outcomes are what we expect when we adopt waiting children. We all hope that our children will live legally and sanely in the world after leaving home. Most of us hope that our children will not return home to live and that we will not have to raise their children. But some of us will have our hearts broken time and time again. We will need to do grief work, keep ourselves healthy, and find ways of allowing joy and love to flow through our lives by not allowing our chaotic kids to become the focus. Sites to See ERIC Emotional Disturbance Information PTSD Symptoms can be experienced by children and others who have experienced severe abuse at some time. National Center for PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. NICHCY Information on Emotional Disturbance AIMC, Association for Mentally Ill Children |
Parenting Adult Children Parenting doesn't end the day our children turn 18. Instead, parenting is a lifelong commitment. When adoptees come of age, sometimes the adoptive family deals with challenges they haven't been well prepared for. Links on this page deal with issues such as adoption reunion, long-term care for the severely disabled adult, loving a chaotic adult. Information about adoptee identity, adoption search and reunion, when adoptees or former foster children return to their birth families, and U.S. adoption search statistics In spite of many representations of adoption reunion in the popular media, the dynamics of search and reunion are not well understood in American popular culture. What does the search mean? How can adoptive parents show support when their adopted children search for and reunite with their birth parents? What does it mean to bless the adoptee's efforts? Those adopted children with special needs who are most difficult to parent are the ones with severe emotional and behavioral problems, untreated attachment disorder, and mental illness. What can parents do to cope with problem kids who become problem adults? |
Blessing Your Child's Reunion What Adoptive Parents Should Know Is Search a Sign of Failure? Some adoptive parents receive their adopted adult's search for his or her birth parents as a sort of betrayal. Sometimes this is because professionals have led adoptive parents to believe that, if they told the adoptee from the beginning that she was adopted, and gave her all the background information they had, "there would be no need for a search" (p. 3). Adoptive parents may receive the search as a betrayal by the adoption system, or a sign that they had somehow failed as parents. To the contrary, search is neither a sign of betrayal or failure. Demuth writes that "every adoptee is a searcher," and describes how adoptees exhibit searching behavior even when they are not actively searching for their birth parents. The Adoptee's Search for Identity explains that searching is a normal behavior among adoptees and offers links to search-related resources on the WWW. How Adoptive Parents Can Bless the Reunion Most adoptive parents feel threatened and wary when their adopted children grow up and initiate a search for their birth parents. Other parents who have never adopted don't really understand how adoptive parents feel about the search and reunion process, and adoptive parents may be misunderstood and receive little support during this time. Demuth recommends that adoptive parents get support from an adoption search and support group attended by adoptive parents, adult adoptees, and birth parents so that they can come to understand the experiences and perspectives of other adoption triad members. Demuth also tells adoptive parents to remember the word BLESS when they wonder how they can help their child during the search and reunion process: Blessing. When adoptive parents bless the search and reunion of the adoptee, they are recognizing the adoptee's right to search, endorsing her efforts, and honoring the effort she is undertaking. Blessing is not the same as permission; adult adoptees don't need legal permission to search--but they usually do need and want the support of their adoptive parents. According to Demuth, Every adoptee in the deepest core of his being wants to have the blessing of his adoptive parents. By bestowing your blessing upon your child's desire to search, you acknowledge your child's selfhood and separateness, while demonstrating your faith in the family ties you have established with him. Love. Adoptees need to know that they can count on the love of their adoptive parents no matter what. While other young adults are separating from their parents and establishing themselves in the world, the adoptee is dealing with adoption-specific tasks that are unique to adoptees. He needs to know that "he need not lose one relationship in order to establish another" During the early phase of a search, it's common for adoptees to seem "obsessed" with the search, but adoptive parents should know that this is a phase of the search that will eventually pass. Demuth says that adoptees may seem more self-centered than usual, and may distance themselves from their parents, then draw near, and then distance themselves again. All of this is normal, and throughout the process adoptees need to know that their adoptive parents love them. Tell your child you love him, don't just assume that he realizes how you feel. Empathy. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person's shoes, in this case those of your adopted child. Adoptive parents should try and imagine being adopted; imagine not knowing the people who gave you life, who passed on their talents and looks to you. Imagine what it would be like to search for and approach these people you didn't know; imagine what it would be like to have parents who had raised and loved you, and parents you had never met. Demuth writes an excellent section called "Putting Yourself in Their Shoes" that all adoptive parents should probably read. Adoptees need empathy from their adoptive parents. Space. Some parents become intrusive during the search and reunion process in an effort to show support to their adopted child. Adoptive parents should allow the adoptee the freedom to decide what and when he will share with you about his search. Demuth furthermore explains, If you are wondering whether or not your child knows you maintain an interest in his search, you might say that you are not constantly inquiring because you want to respect his privacy, but you are always interested in hearing anything he might want to share with you. If you find yourself in a place where it is difficult to hear what your child is sharing, you might need to let him know that you need some space yourself, and some time to process your own feelings, and you will let him know when you are able to particiipate in the sharing of his progress once more. Support. There are many ways that adoptive parents can support the adoptee's search: giving her all the adoption papers and information you have, rather than only saying that they are available in the family's safety deposit box, or "on file;" contacting the attorney or agency who handled the adoption; or listening when the adoptee is ready to talk. Most importantly, adoptive parents of adult adoptees should not conduct the search for the adoptee. That's the adoptee's job. Other Things to Consider Other issues Demuth covers in Courageous Blessing include: * What if I know the name of my child's birth mother or birth father? * What should I do if I have information I have withheld from my child because it is potentially harmful or painful? * How should I handle a situation where one of my children wants to search and another doesn't? * What can I tell my children who are not adopted when they are threatened by their sibling's search? * What should I do if my child asks me to meet his birth parents? * What if my child's birth mother rejects him? * How can I help my child if she finds her birth mother already deceased? * What if my child wants to spend holidays with his birth family? * My grandchildren are very young -- am I silly to worry that they will think of the birth parents as their "real grandparents?" * What can I do now that my child has met his birth mother (or birth father) and the relationship seems unhealthy to me? * Will things ever go back to the way they were before the search and reunion? Resources Courageous Blessing, by Carol Demuth. Ordering information is below. The booklet can be ordered from the Aries Center at 1437 Meandering Way, Garland, TX 75040-4213, or those interested can email Lifematters for more information. The 49-page booklet sells for $6.00 plus $1.00 shipping and handling |
