PREPARING FOR THE “GOODBYE” VISIT
Preparation for the “goodbye” visit involves much more than simply scheduling a date, time, location, and notifying the appropriate parties. It is crucial that the worker gain the cooperation of the birth parents, child’s current caregivers, and service providers to ensure that the child and family are supported. The visit should be well-planned and conducted in a way that can be beneficial for the child; birth and adopted family, recognizing that this is can be a highly emotional event for all parties.
Preparing the Child
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The child should be told of the upcoming “goodbye” visit in advance. I feel it would be best for the child that their current caregivers (CC) talks to them about what this all means. Whether they are the ones that intend to adopt the child or not. The (CC) is the ones that will be there to help the child deal with the emotions long after the meeting is over. It may be helpful to have the child’s Social Service Worker (SSW) there to provide support. It should be decided prior to the meeting whether the worker, or caregiver will take the lead in this discussion with the child.
The child should be told of the upcoming “goodbye” visit in advance. I feel it would be best for the child that their current caregivers (CC) talks to them about what this all means. Whether they are the ones that intend to adopt the child or not. The (CC) is the ones that will be there to help the child deal with the emotions long after the meeting is over. It may be helpful to have the child’s Social Service Worker (SSW) there to provide support. It should be decided prior to the meeting whether the worker, or caregiver will take the lead in this discussion with the child. •The purpose and significance of the goodbye visit should be explained to the child in terms they can understand, with consideration to the child’s age and intellectual functioning.
The purpose and significance of the goodbye visit should be explained to the child in terms they can understand, with consideration to the child’s age and intellectual functioning. •The current caregivers should be prepared to answer the child’s questions. Often a child will have questions regarding future contact with the birth family.
The current caregivers should be prepared to answer the child’s questions. Often a child will have questions regarding future contact with the birth family.•If the plan is for the child to be adopted by the current foster parents, it would be helpful to initiate a discussion in advance with the foster parents to determine their plans for future direct contact with birth family members. The child can then be given honest and consistent answers. If the foster family is opposed to future contact, or if such contact would not be in the child’s best interest, it may be helpful to the child to discuss other ways that connections can be maintained. (Ideas for maintaining connections other than visits include sharing photographs, child’s life book, letters or cards, or keepsakes, etc.)
If the plan is for the child to be adopted by the current foster parents, it would be helpful to initiate a discussion in advance with the foster parents to determine their plans for future direct contact with birth family members. The child can then be given honest and consistent answers. If the foster family is opposed to future contact, or if such contact would not be in the child’s best interest, it may be helpful to the child to discuss other ways that connections can be maintained. (Ideas for maintaining connections other than visits include sharing photographs, child’s life book, letters or cards, or keepsakes, etc.) •The SSW determines if there are other individuals the child would like to be present for the goodbye visit. This may include extended family members or other important people in the child’s life. But limit it to only the ones that were really active in the child’s life. Too many people will overwhelm the child’s processing abilities’.
The SSW determines if there are other individuals the child would like to be present for the goodbye visit. This may include extended family members or other important people in the child’s life. But limit it to only the ones that were really active in the child’s life. Too many people will overwhelm the child’s processing abilities’. You may want to use the following suggestions as a guide when talking to a child about a “Goodbye Visit”:
•Explain what happened in a way they can understand. Children know when you are hiding something, so be open and honest.
Explain what happened in a way they can understand. Children know when you are hiding something, so be open and honest. •Encourage them to talk. Listen and accept their feelings no matter how difficult it may be.
Encourage them to talk. Listen and accept their feelings no matter how difficult it may be. •Answer their questions in brief and simple terms. Telling them they are too young to understand only avoids dealing with the problem and may be even more upsetting for them. It is okay to not have all the answers.
Answer their questions in brief and simple terms. Telling them they are too young to understand only avoids dealing with the problem and may be even more upsetting for them. It is okay to not have all the answers. •Reassure them that they will still be loved and taken care of.
Reassure them that they will still be loved and taken care of. •Show affection, support, and consistency. Let them know that you will be there for them.
Show affection, support, and consistency. Let them know that you will be there for them. •Share your feelings using words they will understand and in a way that won't be overwhelming. For example, it is okay to let them know that you know it hurts. If you try to hide your feelings, they may think they shouldn’t share theirs.
Share your feelings using words they will understand and in a way that won't be overwhelming. For example, it is okay to let them know that you know it hurts. If you try to hide your feelings, they may think they shouldn’t share theirs. Explain to children that a “Goodbye Visit” is the way we say good-bye to the people we love.
Children should be prepared for what they will see and hear. Give them enough detail so they will know what to expect. Depending on how young they are, it might be useful to talk about what it means to be separated from whom you have grown to love. The child should know that they may see people cry, and that it is okay. They will see the normal expressions of how people feel when they lose someone important to them. Witnessing these feelings gives the child permission to express their own emotions.
Explain that people can’t be sad all the time and there will be other times when the sadness will come back. Children also should expect that the sadness we feel when someone has left our life can last a while, but eases as time goes on.
Preparing the Birth Family
•The purpose and importance of the “goodbye” visit should be discussed with the birth parents in a face-to-face meeting.
The purpose and importance of the “goodbye” visit should be discussed with the birth parents in a face-to-face meeting.•The SSW reinforces the important role the parent has played in the child’s life. Emphasize that because of the child’s love for the parent, it is important for the parent to give the child “permission” to be happy and to love and trust another family. This may be the most crucial part of the “goodbye” visit, as research indicates that children are much less likely to disrupt from an adoptive placement if the birth family has given “permission”.
The SSW reinforces the important role the parent has played in the child’s life. Emphasize that because of the child’s love for the parent, it is important for the parent to give the child “permission” to be happy and to love and trust another family. This may be the most crucial part of the “goodbye” visit, as research indicates that children are much less likely to disrupt from an adoptive placement if the birth family has given “permission”. •It may be helpful to practice with the parent what they will say to the child during the visit. Emphasize the importance of telling the child how much she is loved, will be missed, that none of this is the child’ fault, and that it is okay to be happy and love other important adults in the child’s life. Most children need to hear from the parent that attaching to an adoptive family is not a betrayal of the birth parent.
It may be helpful to practice with the parent what they will say to the child during the visit. Emphasize the importance of telling the child how much she is loved, will be missed, that none of this is the child’ fault, and that it is okay to be happy and love other important adults in the child’s life. Most children need to hear from the parent that attaching to an adoptive family is not a betrayal of the birth parent. •The SSW determines if there are other extended family members the birth parent would like to invite to the goodbye visit, or whether the birth parent is agreeable to inviting significant people the child has mentioned.
The SSW determines if there are other extended family members the birth parent would like to invite to the goodbye visit, or whether the birth parent is agreeable to inviting significant people the child has mentioned. It is difficult for parents to comfort others when they are deep in their own grief. Parents may not want to discuss never seeing their children because they don't want to upset them. Or they may not want to worsen their own pain. However, talking with them will help the children deal with their fears.
1.Young children often misinterpret parents' expressions of emotion, typically blaming themselves for the parent's tears or anger. Thus, although it is appropriate for parents to express their grief in front of the child, it is important to provide an explanation (e.g. "I am crying because I will miss you.")
Young children often misinterpret parents' expressions of emotion, typically blaming themselves for the parent's tears or anger. Thus, although it is appropriate for parents to express their grief in front of the child, it is important to provide an explanation (e.g. "I am crying because I will miss you.") 2.Return children to their normal routines as soon as possible after the visit. It is important for the children to return to school or day care as soon as possible, within a few days at most. This reassures the child that life does indeed go on. It is helpful if someone informs the child's teacher about the visit; so that he or she can be prepared to answers questions or help if the child becomes upset.
Return children to their normal routines as soon as possible after the visit. It is important for the children to return to school or day care as soon as possible, within a few days at most. This reassures the child that life does indeed go on. It is helpful if someone informs the child's teacher about the visit; so that he or she can be prepared to answers questions or help if the child becomes upset.3.Do something special that will be a positive memory for them after the visit. (e.g.) My little one wants to go get her hair cut, something she has wanted do for a long time (but the bio parent wouldn’t approve it). So after the visit we will do just that, we are excited about that.
Do something special that will be a positive memory for them after the visit. (e.g.) My little one wants to go get her hair cut, something she has wanted do for a long time (but the bio parent wouldn’t approve it). So after the visit we will do just that, we are excited about that. As you see I stressed AFTER the visit, because one wants to keep the Birth Family, as happy as you can till the end. Don’t remind them how powerless they are now; or give them another reason to resent you.
Now is the time to request that SSW to obtain important information about the child, (e.g.) Baby photos of the child, family history, genealogy. So someday you can past it onto them. Or help ease the child into their new family with the sense of belonging, because they see their little face on the wall with all the other family members.
An Adopted Family
I am writing this to help others deal with “Goodbye Visits” with an open mind to share empathy with the Birth Family.
When I heard the news that the bio parents relinquished their rights; I was hit with mixed emotions.
•Greif for the birth family,
Greif for the birth family, •Relief for the children.
Relief for the children.•Pure excitement for our family!
Pure excitement for our family!I am lucky, mine are of an age that they have no concept of time. But someday they will understand and hopefully I can say to them, “We did everything for the best interest of our family.” Life without regrets is not a reality.
We grow stronger by the events that our daily life brings and we become who we are in the process.
Choosing an “Open or Closed Adoption”
Is a very hard decision to make; it is one that will affect your whole family’s life.
The natural questions that enter your mind,
•Will they accept all your children or just their own blood?
Will they accept all your children or just their own blood?•Do you let your family be divided, by someone from the past?
Do you let your family be divided, by someone from the past?•Are you willing to tolerate relatives, that really deep down never look at you as the child’s parents?
Are you willing to tolerate relatives, that really deep down never look at you as the child’s parents?•Will they spin the truth about the events that put the child up for adoption?
Will they spin the truth about the events that put the child up for adoption?Be true to yourself in mediation. Don’t agree to terms in fear of losing your child. If that was the case you would not be in mediation to start with.
The decision has been made; now stand strong as an advocate for your family.
If you agree to an “Open Adoption” you will have to stay faithful to that agreement. Regardless if the Birth Family turns your life upside down. Open means just that!
On the other hand if you chose a “Closed Adoption”, you have the option to reopen doors if you so desire. As I stated earlier (Ideas for maintaining connections other than visits include sharing photographs, child’s life book, letters or cards, keepsakes, etc.)
Let the child know this is the last visit we are planning. Let them know they will see each other again someday, but it might be a long time.
I almost forgot a crucial element to this;
• After the date is set, make sure it is documented that the Birth family are in full knowledge this is their "Goodbye Visit" how they deal with it is their choice.
The option to show or not needs to be clearly documented, so you will not have to deal with this in the future.
As far as the “Goodbye Visits” If I could skip this part of the closing process, I would!!
